I took a personality test for a work project this week and after tallying up the scores, was assigned a primary color “Blue.” When I looked up the Hartman profile explanations afterward, I found this means I am a “do-gooder.” After having read the descriptions for each personality color, I would have chosen “white” for myself because they are known as the peace keepers, but that is much more a description of who I want to be, not an accurate reading of my innate personality traits.
According to Wikipedia, my assigned personality types see life as a
“sequence of commitments for blues. They thrive on relationships and willingly sacrifice personal gain. Blues are highly demanding perfectionists. They can be distrusting and worry prone. They are complex and intuitive and can be very opinionated. Blues can also be emotional and moody. Blues can be self-righteous and insecure and can also be very self-disciplined and sincere.
Blue Strengths: Blues are steady, ordered and enduring. Blues love with passion. They bring culture and dependency to society and home. They are highly committed and loyal. They are comfortable in creative environments. They strive to be the best they can be.
Blue Limitations: Blues are the most controlling of the four colors. They can be insecure and judgmental. Lacking trust, they find themselves resentful or unforgiving. They often fail at seeing the positive side of life. They want so badly to be loved and accepted, constantly seeking understanding from others while often refusing to understand and accept themselves.”
As I read over this and then found even more references further detailing much the same things I had to do very little soul searching to recognize these absolute truths even if I didn’t like what I learned. While it is true, I am much less judgmental than I used to be, I also know I am still much harder on myself than anyone else. Happy to profess a conviction of the belief in the beauty of oneness to anyone who will sincerely listen, I will still beat myself up over perceived failures in a heart- beat. No matter how much I have seemingly learned and no matter how much I think I have evolved, that is still my automatic go-to place until I am able to perceive and consciously choose a different perspective.
Interestingly, I took this personality test on Friday and on some level was beating myself up over my recognized limitations, when another lesson was ready to smack me on the forehead just 24 hours later.
We took my 12 year daughter and two of her friends out to dinner as part of her birthday festivities Saturday night. While we were waiting for our food to arrive, my daughter and one of her friends were busy chatting and checking their cell phones. Just as I was about to admonish them for being on cell phones at the table, I was able to look a little deeper and listen to the exchange that was taking place.
Apparently, Hannah had informally invited another little girl to her party weeks ago, but then forgot she had done so. This girl is also a mutual friend of one of the guests who, while sitting in the restaurant, received a text asking her about the birthday party. When that girl said “yes”, that she was actually sitting with Hannah as part of the party right then, the girl texted back “HANNAH IS SUCH A LIAR!”
Well, of course the guest showed Hannah the text and Hannah’s mood completely changed. Within 10 minutes of reading the angry text from the girl that felt slighted by not being at the party, my daughter slumped down further in her chair with eyes flooded with tears and was unable to eat much of her meal, suddenly complaining she felt ill with a belly ache.
Hannah’s friends tried to cheer her up and reassure her it was an honest mistake, but my child simply just could not let it go. She felt so terrible about forgetting she had told this other girl about her upcoming birthday party, she could no longer enjoy her own party or the friends that were there to celebrate with her. She sat there at the table with that face I recognized as my own, trying not to cry in front of everyone and doing her best to pretend she was fine.
My poor baby. Did I do something in raising her to have her react so emotionally and to dwell on so much guilt? I don’t think so. I saw myself so much in how she was reacting I have to believe indeed, much of our personalities are innate and cannot be changed by reading the right book or following a certain teacher.
Surely, we may learn to recognize and maybe even overcome our flaws by seeing the big picture, but that doesn’t mean our first reaction isn’t necessarily going to be the one that comes most naturally to us, the behaviors that seem packaged with us at birth, seemingly a part of our genetic code.
Everything I focus my attention on lately has to do with striving for balance; Work and play, giving and receiving, time to nurture family and time alone to be able to nurture myself. So it seems there is a need to balance even personality strengths and limitations that we carry in from birth. Is it from just this lifetime or have I been a “Blue” over many lifetimes?
I don’t know. I hugged my child and gave her the best pep talk I could and she was, after a while, able to enjoy the rest of her party, but she never did completely let go of the guilt. Even through her smiles, I could see it hiding in there, waiting to resurface later when she tries to sleep, or the next day when she attempts to speak and reconcile with this other girl.
Loving ourselves isn’t always the easiest choice given our programming, but there it is in all its glory; Here I am writing this blog with all my light and all my shadow right here on the page. Having personality limitations doesn’t make us “less than,” it is simply a matter of automatic reaction. Just because that is the first place my head and heart go in times of perceived crises, or challenge, doesn’t mean a higher perspective doesn’t learn to prevail. As I grow in mature spiritualism, I will continue to do my best, but what I need to remember in all my working toward better balance is that yes, as Popeye would say, “I am who I am”, and who I am is still an amazing part of all that IS.
I take a deep breath and remember to be grateful for that.
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I am a 43 year old mother of 3, living in Florida with my partner and youngest child. Like the mythological phoenix, I have been reborn out of the ashes of my former way of life and have, for the last several years, set out on an exploration of self expression through visual art and creative writing. I am immensely grateful to feel a part of every living thing in existence and the emergence of a growing evolution of consciousness within and throughout. I am interested in all aspects of energy healing and spiritual transformation and have just recently become a student of Reiki. I understand there is always a choice and I try to choose love over fear at every turn. I am grateful for all of the other women in this group and for their ever present support and guidance. Jennifer Bothast