Leap of Fate


As my mind flashes back to my early childhood, I was filled with unanswered questions…and unresolved issues.   No surprise there!

I was raised within a deeply Irish Catholic background, by parents who believed a forced march to church would do my soul good. So my faith growing up was riddled with questions— “If God was a God of love, why so much fear & suffering?”

I was constantly seeking a voice of reason, that reached back for many years, but my questions were  consistently met with a trip to the principal’s office or a stern suggestion that I ask the “Monsignor”.  The more enlightened response was for me “To be quiet & listen so I could learn.”

I do believe there are angels and helpers along the way, but they can’t do the work for me. The rest is up to me because of the gift of freewill.

In search of deeper pastures, I started to seek pleasure and thrills as a way to feel good about myself. I was actually all mind, so lost in some abstract area of thought and worry that I was unaware of anything outside of it. Which lead me to running into the arms of people who I thought were my saviors.

I sought answers through others, a step that I would come to regret.    How can you feel anything at all when your emotional  and physical bodies are tied in knots. All the while I was thinking, “If it hurts I must be learning something from this”. I was praying that nothing is lost and that meant that finding my way home required a spirit of adventure.

In time, I was surprised to find that sitting still can be a profound adventure if you are present and inquisitive. After one glimpse of this insight, I desired more. Now with all my heart, I wanted  to live in that one moment again. I started to see myself as deserving, especially while  gleaning from those who were at peace with themselves. That glimpse embodied we are truly made in God’s image a regular spark off the ole block.

It was only after a very tumultuous divorce, that my attention shifted to a frightening but beautiful  understanding. That all along what I had been looking for was right there.  Just like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, all she had to do was believe and click her heels.

For me that was the game changer.  I started gaining more insights, although I meditated occasionally over the years I was ready to kick it up a notch.  I started to practice discipline in meditation, at least that is what I thought was to happen.

Now it seemed the harder I tried to be still, I was anything but!  As  I meditated, thinking how cool it was to meditate, my mind was calling back, “you’re not meditating yet”,  in a mocking tone. I was determined to get that glimpse once again.  By confining myself to a predictable range of experience I often failed to come in contact with ways of being, that might be more fitting to my soul’s journey. In other words its easier  to play it safe.

One day while in prayer I asked, “God, if I am yours please show me the way!”, while wondering if the question of my “soul’s purpose” might fade into oblivion. If I don’t hear it do I have another chance? Or will my higher self just keep at Me until I do?

After great losses within a 5 year period, I now have come to SURRENDER.

I found myself wanting to go out and “be” in nature.  It was nature that softened the edges. I felt at home there for the first time. There I felt compelled to sit still and just feel.  It was there I was soon aware of the heartache and pain of having to forgive myself and others. One morning at sunrise, it” dawned” on me that it is the reason for my going only so far on my spiritual search. I had to do the authentic work of facing and forgiving. I am having to look in my own reflection and not look away and to be real in my forgiveness.  Once there, this cross-examining went on for some time until all that was left was COMPASSION.

By listening to my heart,  I started to breathe. All along I had been holding my breath, not even knowing it. In essence I had to breathe myself back to life!

I was at a point then that I can feel all the people who ever cared for me living or transitioned, were celebrating this soul-propelling decision.  For the first time, I felt sure “Why” I was here.  Here to LOVE myself, to LOVE others no matter what, and to do so with a GRATEFUL heart knowing what a gift that is.

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Born in New Orleans, near the bayou’s, my life so enriched with music, and food and all the patois the atmosphere offered.

I felt infused with all the beauty of life, so it was an easy transition to dive into a creative lifestyle.

I was the protege of a very famous photographer, that taught me the principles as well as aesthetics of art through the lens of the camera. As I grew in my creative capacities, I decided to “go west”, to Texas to develop my skills as a commercial artist.

During this time I had a profound shift in consciousness. I was lead to start teaching art to children and young adults. Drawing inspiration from “Drawing from the Right side of the Brain”.

The natural step from there was to incorporate my artwork into spiritual venues. I started to paint more intimate portraits for CD”s and illustrate books.

All the while hearing a whisper of a truer calling out of the distractions of modern life. I am on an inner journey to discover my soul’s purpose. To listen to and follow our soul’s guidance in the midst of life. Kimberley Huxen

 

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3 thoughts on “Leap of Fate

  1. Kimberley, I am also from a Catholic background, and have had similar experiences. It is always a good feeling to know you are not alone and can learn how another person gets the answers to the same questions you have had. Thank you for helping me 🙂

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