He is my trigger. When I see him, I want to throw things at him and scream at him to leave, how dare he come here? There is also an instinctive part of me that wants to run forward and thrust myself into his arms, burying my head in his chest. Both these instincts, I set aside as I approach him.
“Hi,” I say, awkwardly, reaching out a little. He looks away, hoping I won’t notice the pain in his eyes.
How I used to love those eyes. So deep, so penetrating. Even now, they cut through my barriers like razor blades when he glances back at me.
Damn you, I think. You’re not supposed to be able to cut down my barriers anymore. But then, maybe if things were as they were supposed to be, I wouldn’t be caught in this situation. We’d either still be together, or perhaps we wouldn’t have been together at all. But not this. This can’t be how it was supposed to be. I can’t keep thinking these thoughts. I’ll give myself away.
“How has your life been?” I ventured hesitantly. Since I broke your heart? That part of the question, I can’t ask out loud. The least I can do, is pretend we don’t still cut through each other’s defences even now. We can pretend we are only keeping our discussion shallow because that’s what we are comfortable with. In truth, we aren’t comfortable with anything.
The least we can do is pretend I didn’t break his heart, or my own, when I left him. We can pretend the incident didn’t have any collateral. We can pretend it was an easy decision, that we both stopped loving each other naturally. The only way to pretend all this, is to pretend we don’t really know each other. We are acquaintances. That’s all. Right?
I glanced at him again. I carry so much anger towards him. I blame him for continuing to rely on my parents even though it causes a wedge between me and them. I blame him for every time we fought, for every little nasty word that passed between us. I blame him for having a different vision for the future than I have. I blame him for the times he disagreed with me and told me so, and I blame him for all the times he disagreed and didn’t tell me. I blame him for every time he made a suggestion I disagreed with, whether or not I told him that I disagreed. I blame him for every time I denied my own truth in his presence, slowly but surely cutting him out from knowing I was changing. I also blame him for not knowing I had changed, not being able to respond accordingly.
I know that I can’t really blame him. This is what it is. I just don’t know what it is anymore. Are we friends? I guess so. Then why is it that if he’s around for more than 3 days I end up having uncontrollable weeping spells? Why is he good enough to sit through them? How does he feel when I get like that?
I don’t know if he knows why I left him. I don’t know that he has to know. I don’t know if I really know. Our paths diverged. I guess that’s nobody’s fault after all. Maybe one day I will be able to release the residual anger in my heart. For now, I will keep walking down my road and wish him well on his.
The only source of consolation is my knowledge that this is what it is. It is no longer my responsibility to make it any different. We have grown together and now we will continue to grow separately.
And I’ll probably always get a little weak when I see him…