Phases of my Being


1.       A doll

A beautiful born baby

Was treated like a doll

“I’m not a doll”

Was a blazing concealed voice

of a numb face

For my smallness

and their determination

I surrendered to their ignorance

till I learned to speak

2- Birth

 

A crawling new born

checking her new world.

Chains were broken.

The uterus walls expanded

wider space

new joys

I learned to walk

I learned to speak

I saw life

for the first time:

joyful,

luxurious,

intervened with sadness

discoveries

contradictions

misunderstandings

why is dark dark?

how to connect it to light?

My heart deeply sought

The sky responded

3- The Child

The new born

grew into a child

flared with knowing

enthusiastically drunk

with a manual in hands

dashing with knowledge

avid for more

and sharing:

“Look! Life is beautiful!

Give up your sorrow,

enjoy,

ignorant is the unhappy

let me show you.

A little thing I am

who knows a little that repairs:

connecting the light strengthens it;

light conquers darkness

and may transform it into light

and the darkest,

shall be avoided!”

Knowledgeable,

I thought I was.

I applied the instructions

the world got narrower

the light got weaker

Suffocation!

How could the instructions get me here?

The so called sacred!

With my little experience

and blind obedience,

I believed them.

I saw with their eyes

how I gave up being

for the sake of a mirage

that I created!

I started seeking the truth

and the essence of life

do instructions exist?

What’s sacred?

4- Adolescence

An unlimited world

Everything is permitted

but a little

that I decide

with my personality,

my mind,

my responsibility,

….. all referring to me.

An exciting world

of beauty and danger

to be responsible

towards myself,

my society

and my Creator.

My responsibility was limited.

Today  I set the borders!

Stepping into the world

with ignorance and pain

and immersive joy!

Compensations,

learning,

discoveries,

life… for the first time.

My ignorance jolted me

yet with my energy

and determination,

I moved on.

Two steps and I was struck

but love and support held me

two more steps,

another strike

love and support still existed

three steps and a strike

if it wasn’t for love,

I would’ve fallen apart.

One step, two and three,

a strike, a second and a third

the result was…

                5- Reformation

From a doll to late birth,

to childhood then adolescence,

a journey of malformation,

confusion and disarray.

Stuck between

an unclear present,

a future yet to form the present

and a past hindering the future.

I am no more myself

I am no foreign to me

but I don’t get me!

I hardly believe what I am

and dare not imagine

who I will be!

I don’t see myself as I used to

nor do I see others as I used to.

Who are they?

Why are they seeing me like this?

Like a lost-memory patient

who knows not

how everybody recognizes him

while he does not!

Within my past life,

I wasn’t me!

I confused self monitoring

with self awareness!

Then I learned to dive

and I started to see my reality:

confused,

odd,

deformed,

beautiful,

harsh,

thinker,

writer,

influential,

wise,

naïve.

What a weirdo!

All words describing one being!

One day I’m confused and deformed,

harsh and hurtful.

or valueless,

meaningless.

Another day I’m a thinker,

influential,

writer and wise.

Other days:

lost between both statuses!

How could I be

that wise, revolt and sound?

insignificant and unfit?

broken, wounded and small

strong, determined and bearing

a flame of enthusiasm that no one can impede

to heaviness

motionless.

Experts are required,

experts, friends and love,

then strength and balance;

faith and courage;

courage and faith

to renovate a structure

with a shaky base

and cracked walls.

The process requires surgeries

without analgesics

full consciousness

and full pain

to pull out naivety and fear

to motivate comprehension and awareness

treating fractures and distortions

and what is responsible of

seeing things as they are!

Will the surgeries work?

Will I be back to life?

With certainty, hope and eagerness

I’m all set  with a lancet in my hand!

6- Rebirth

My bandage was removed

I see now

what I could not see before

yet has always been there

I feel refreshed,

proud and light.

My arms and legs are moveable,

the pain vanished.

I cheerily jumped

pushed the door

smacking who was behind it

I apologized

a silly apology!

Dancing in the hall

I saw a stretched arm to join me

In a magnificent dance

then they escaped

on my own

I will proceed my dance

In my room,

arranging piles:

this, I will get rid of

that, I will keep

and these are

interesting exciting blank pages.

This corner…

requires ages to organize.

As if pain never existed,

I’ve become a bird

Whose nest is the horizon

A bird?! Me?!

The world responds to my touch

like a magician!

No tyranny!

Each of us is a magician

The path to reach him is dreadful

The most beautiful dreadfulness!

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE OR WEB SITE?

Please do! Just be sure to include this complete blurb with it:

I’m Neveen El-Gamal, an Egyptian 39 years old single mom. I’m a writer, a Reiki and an Emotrance practitioner. I have a published poetry book in Arabic in August 2010 titled “Freeing You from Me”.

I am very grateful to have met the lovely women in the sisterhood group and participate in The Daily Sisterhood.

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6 thoughts on “Phases of my Being

    • I am seriously speechless… I never expected such feedback out of sharing my experiences… You women make my day each time I figure out how you receive my words… Thank you Leosja…<3

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