To read part 1 visit : https://thedailysisterhood.wordpress.com/2013/07/08/healing-chronic-fatique-syndrome/
Part 2 – Discovering ‘ME’
But who was I really, … so I was so much more than, … or better said … I was not that one … not that friend, not that colleague, not that daughter, not that sister, … I didn’t know me.
I was not the one I had always been and I didn’t know who I was – really.
I felt my sadness and loneliness, my fear, … luckily still joy and pleasures too, but … shit, … I also was angry, jealous and cunning… I wanted to be supported and comforted, cared for and pampered, I wanted to laugh, play and dance, I wanted to hit, kick, scratch, I wanted to shout and curse, I wanted to kiss and be kissed, I wanted to be stroked and spoiled…
Was that me, … did I want all this? And was that okay just like that, was that allowed? Wasn’t that egoistic, pathetic, mean, vulgar… ?
Yes! It was allowed, it was possible, I wanted it.
I was allowed to feel it, I was allowed to want it. I could feel it, I wanted it !
Did that mean that I had to do all of this… perhaps yes, perhaps not…, but I had to allow myself to feel this, to want this. Not just a little bit, … not some things yes and other things not, not if-then, … no, simply to feel that I wanted it, … to feel it just the way it was.
I played with the child and when I was too tired to go ice skating we ate pancakes together, (and yes… at first with tears because of the not-being-able-to), the woman went to the hairdresser, to the solarium, and enjoyed a nice bath with herbs, the mother found her children, the children from long ago and from now, the caretaker became even more loving, really loving to the other, the elf joined me for a walk and I let her make me curious and to mollify me, and the bitch,… well, the bitch, … she seduced…
I discovered myself and I saw that I could choose, I used what was in me and I could let go of what I did not need anymore.
Because I didn’t need them anymore, … I didn’t need the loneliness anymore to be ME, I could do without the fears, I could let go of those thoughts and patterns. I could use my sensitivity when I would not suppress her anymore, my desires did not allow me to hide them anymore, so that I could really enjoy my life.
They had shaped ME, but more than that, … they also had limited my real ME to grow! Everything I used to hold on to, everything that shaped ME before I could let go… had to let it go if I wanted to allow ME to be who she was.
If I wanted to give ME the chance to grow I had to give her the space.
I wanted to set myself free, I wanted to get space, no… I would get space.
I wanted to find ME.
I looked at the future, longing. I wanted to let the real ME to emerge. I wanted the real me to surface. Who was she, where was she, what did she want?
It wasn’t easy, sometimes I fell back into the old stuff, the new stuff wasn’t there yet, the space was still empty, and the old stuff wanted very much to nest itself again. It felt comfortable with me, and to be honest… me too. Because it was so familiar to me it didn’t feel like a threat, and if for I while I wasn’t paying attention than there was more of the old stuff back than before, than I wanted and needed… again those confrontations, again the recognizing of it, again scare up, again acknowledging and letting it go… again, and again, over and over again…
Each time again I was disappointed, disillusioned, angry… by everything and everybody, but… when I was able to look honestly at it… actually I was disappointed with myself.
Wouldn’t I ever learn? Would I keep doing it the wrong way? How could I be so stupid… or even worse, perhaps I didn’t want… not really…
I learned not to kick myself on top of falling down again. I could only watch what had happened, learn, get up and go on, over and over again…
And I went on, again and again…, the price of the old life was too high for me, and the reward for the new was very promising, yes indeed, … I did feel it… at least, that’s what I had put my faith upon.
And I grew, learned, awakened. At an easy pace, sometimes slowly, almost discrete… Sometimes I stood still for a while, or even went backwards, that frightened me, I lost what I had gained before. Later I noticed that I only had gone backwards to be able to make a bigger run-up… to jump even further. And I jumped…
I learned that I could not leave an empty space empty, … not even for a while, not even a little. If I wanted to let go I had to fill it up again.
But with what,… with ME, yes, … but I still didn’t know who she was! Where was she, so then where did I have to look for her?
I discovered the long way between my head and my heart, about 30 centimeters…but even if you know the way it is so hard to walk it.
Knowing is one thing, KNOWING is totally something else.
I discovered the difference… When I learn something then I know it all right, but yet that doesn’t mean that I KNOW it.
I learned to feel when it is that I know something and when it is that I KNOW.
I learned that I could not enforce anything, … when I know but don’t KNOW yet I can not drag myself to the way to my heart, I just arrived there when the time was right, … simply because I wanted to. What was important was that I at least didn’t think that I already KNEW when I only knew.
Over and over again I was on that little path between my head and my heart, the path became a little flatter, a little wider. By searching for that path often it became easier to find the driveway, the path became a road. Not an easy road, … but an accessible, walkable road.
KNOWING is so enriching, every time I arrived at my heart I was so much richer, so much lighter, so much wiser.
The search for that road over and over again was extra hard because the mind never really cooperated… Why are you going there, stay here, with me. Isn’t it good here, the both of us together, … we don’t need that stupid heart at all, we know by now, you just learned it! The mind was really not going to stimulate me to walk that road, … it wasn’t my mind that would be helpful to me now.
First someone, a very special someone, had to dictate it to me, you’re in your head again, feel, … what do you feel. Than I could feel it for myself, … I was looking in the wrong place again, again I had to get on the road, the road from my head to my heart.
But I went, over and over again I went on the road.
The mind indeed controlled those old thoughts and they kept me from allowing my real ME to grow. The mind belonged to those old patterns, those pieces that had formed who I was and suppressed my real ME’. My mind was holding on to a piece that I was about to let go.
The struggle with the mind… how could I ever win that fight! The mind indeed knew me to the bone, for years we have been best mates, … together we had seen so much already (or better, we had endured),… solved (or did we press it away), … processed (or supressed), rationally conquered (or forgotten). And now I was going to oppose my mind… pfff… how… what… when… I didn’t know anything at all anymore
To be continued …