I Am Not Broken

“If I smile and don’t believe

Soon I know I’ll wake from this dream

Don’t try to fix me, I’m not broken

Hello, I’m the lie living for you so you can hide

Don’t cry”

I remember lying on the floor in my bedroom listening to this Evanescence song, sobbing and retching and praying that I could fall asleep and not wake up.

That was eight years ago, one segment of the long dark night of the soul when all that I had known in this lifetime was fading away in order to make room for the wonderful changes and awakening that was to take place.

I am grateful for it all now, but I do sometimes feel I have been to hell and back in order to get here. Hell doesn’t need to be the fiery pits ruled by horned demons. We create our own hells. Sometimes hell is the place you have to pass through in order to be ready to let go of the illusions and embrace the next step of a new reality.

I have a dear friend who is just beginning to go through her own dark journey and while the circumstances and relationships are different, the pain is the same. Being there to comfort and support her, has brought these memories of my own suffering back out to the surface, waiting to be completely released.

I am not the same person I was back then. I don’t dwell in victimhood, martyrdom and blame. I still get upset now and then. I still take in more than I should to the point of overwhelm before I realize I am there, but I am much more apt to not dwell in the darkness. I can breathe so much better and am so incredibly grateful for choosing love and light.

I listened a little bit to the recording of Wayne Dyer from the most recent Healing With The Masters Program. Dr. Dyer spoke of three distinct types of love. Human love, which is ever changing, and can vary in intensity along the spectrum from love to hate. Then there is spiritual love which is the kind of love a parent has for their child. It may still vary in intensity but it is unconditional. No matter what your child does, you see past their actions and love them just the same. Finally, Dyer spoke of divine love. This is the level of Christ consciousness where we can see past the egoic actions of everyone, recognizing their divinity and no matter what, loving them just the same.

Imagine what the day to day life here could look like if we could all strive to love the way Christ loves us. Panache Desai says “You’re not broken. You don’t need fixing. You are an infinite being with infinite potential. Why live as anything else?”

Even though our actions stemming from free will create opportunities for growth (which we view as problems) underneath all of that is the beautiful divine beings we are. It is time we recognize that and behave accordingly.

It is time we choose to be a candle in the darkness. Fear is the absence of love. You can’t have both in direct play at the same time.

I choose love.

I close my eyes and sing to myself that same Evanescence song but change the lyrics a little. With my heart, I sing to heal and bring back that shard of myself lying on the floor sobbing. With my heart, I sing for my friend and her partner that they each find comfort along the journey.

If I smile and do believe

I know I have awakened from this dream

I don’t need anything to fix me, I’m NOT broken

Hello, I’m the life living in you so you don’t need to hide

Don’t cry

I am whole. I am awake. And the best is yet to come.


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