A Work in Progress


I drive my partner crazy sometimes. She is just one of those people who rarely lets things get under her skin. She tends to just go with the flow, riding over events that would be certain to stress me out. “BE the water” she tells me.  “I would” I tell her, “but I’ve never really enjoyed extreme white water rafting”.

That’s the biggest difference I think. It’s not just purely evolved consciousness at work, its genetic temperament. It’s not that I don’t get the importance of not stressing over the small stuff (yeah yeah I know, it’s all small stuff) but that doesn’t mean the fear based habitual responses still don’t just kick in. I can center now, and I recognize I am not my egoic thoughts, I am aware of the watcher. I also truly believe everything happens the way it is supposed to and I try to send out into the universe the things I would like to receive. All of this is great progress, but don’t think my knee jerk reaction isn’t still to panic a little before I can put myself in check. I think I am just wired that way.

Maybe it is just that old habits die hard. Every time I think I want to congratulate myself on all my wonderfully accomplished growth, another challenge comes my way and I have to sort my way through it.  Evolution is hard work! In so many ways I still feel like a child, learning my lessons as if in a classroom, passing tests and graduating from grade to grade. I think I must be in middle school by now.

Neale Donald Walsch says

“It is okay to be at a place of struggle. Struggle is just another word for growth. Even the most evolved beings find themselves in a place of struggle now and then. In fact, struggle is a sure sign to them that they are expanding; it is their indication of real and important progress.”

I must seem like the little girl from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory who turned into a giant blueberry as much as I have expanded over the last several years. Well, maybe I exaggerate just a little. It has been a challenging and necessary period of time to get me where I am today. I am still learning… A LOT.

Ten years ago, I had no idea I existed at all outside my assumed roles. I loved, I cried, I lived, but mostly on automatic pilot, always doing what I thought I was supposed to be doing, following the status quo so to speak. I was always too afraid to rock the boat. By comparison, the “me” I am behaving like today can barely imagine that sort of existence. Being aware I always have choices and not mindlessly rolling through all of the challenges also has its consequences. I find I have to put myself in check a lot.

There is an older Indigo Girls’ song titled “All That We Let In.” The first verse reads something like this:

Dust in our eyes our own boots kicked up

Heartsick we nursed along the way we picked up

You may not see it when it’s sticking to your skin

But we’re better off for all that we let in.

I have become a sponge and sometimes I let too much in and then I am overwhelmed. I may very well be better off for it than not being aware at all, but it isn’t the easiest path to take either.

The dynamics are in a constant state of flux these days. Children are growing up and finding their way and the life roles I’d clung to are also changing. It seems that just because I don’t just freak out with the little daily challenges anymore, the universe continues to present me with the things that it knows will be sure to throw me off kilter temporarily. Then I remember and I right myself and all is well until the next wave.

I am the lotus flower erupting through the mud.

I am a tree growing into the light.

Like most of us, I continue to be a work in progress.

original work by Jennifer Bothast

original work by Jennifer Bothast

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I am a 43 year old mother of 3, living in Florida with my partner and youngest child. Like the mythological phoenix, I have been reborn out of the ashes of my former way of life and have, for the last several years, set out on an exploration of self expression through visual art and creative writing. I am immensely grateful to feel a part of every living thing in existence and the emergence of a growing evolution of consciousness within and throughout. I am interested in all aspects of energy healing and spiritual transformation and have just recently become a student of Reiki. I understand there is always a choice and I try to choose love over fear at every turn. I am grateful for all of the other women in this group and for their ever present support and guidance. Jennifer Bothast

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