What price do we pay for our anger? In the last year I have had so many opportunities to be angry. After years of saying, “No roommates.” My significant other at the time and for the previous 19 years moved his best friend and his girlfriend into our home from Virginia. I wasn’t asked, I was told that this would be the case. Rather than acting in anger I decided to embrace community in our home and welcome our new guests who had no expiration date on their stay.
I chose to view the opportunity as the availability of new friendships although I had known his best friend for many years, more on the phone than anything. In the glare of other people’s presence and attention it became undeniably clear what was missing from my very long term relationship. I found that I was able to have conversations with people that included give and take and much more interaction that I was used to with him. I was alarmed when I realized our house guests knew more of me than my “partner” did, because they chose to listen. It became very clear that while I had been through my own soul integration and felt thoroughly emotionally available, the man in my life was not.
It was ok for all those years that we were together because we were both emotionally unavailable but once I was fully “plugged in” being with someone else who was emotionally unavailable was no longer a relationship I could navigate alone, nor was I willing to.
In the progressive stages of ending our relationship it became clear through his actions that he never actually loved me regardless of the lip service he gave to that. It was as if every time he told me he loved me it was to make up for the fact that he wasn’t there living it with me. It was never ample compensation for being there.
He has showed me with disrespect and destruction and total undermining and lack of civility, just how one sided our relationhship was. He stole money from me. I wanted to be angry. A learned friend said, “Get out of anger before you talk to him! If you talk to him in anger you will buy more trouble than you ever wanted!” I listened to those words. I put myself in his shoes as best I could. How scary must it be to see your idea of a life crumbling around you feeling powerless to stop it? How scary must it be to not even feel you know yourself and to not feel you can trust yourself? How scary must it be to know you don’t have ample income to make the break that would spare you at least some of this daily heartache? How would I feel in his shoes? I wanted to throw up. It felt horrid. I decided that with all he had been to me all those years that I would have given him the money willingly if he’d asked for it and with that I was able to forgive him and let it go.
Our roommate wondered if he had stolen the money to make him look like a suspect and get him kicked out. I told him I didn’t think he could see past his own anguish for his actions to be about anyone else. He asked me how I wanted him to act about the situation. I told him to keep loving him and having gratitude for everything he had ever done for him and to shine the light because my (by that time ex) ex had chosen a dark and rutted path to allow the rest of us the experience we came here to have. I kid you not, within 8 hrs. my ex was on the phone offering to help with things I couldn’t coax him into when we slept in the same bed. He offered mechanical repairs, household maintainence, child care, lawn mowing, trash removal. I was mystified!
There were other things that came to the surface. My first conditioned reaction would be to view these actions as turds floating to the surface, as they will. I wanted to be angry but found that if I stayed in anger it just prolonged the aggrevating actions. As soon as I stepped into the light of love and gratitude and said prayers in thanks to the angelic soul who had provided me with these experiences that showed me what I was ready to release, the aggrevation would abate.
Over time I found I was getting angry at myself for getting angry. That’s definitely a battle that cannot be won with anger! I chose to love myself through it. The more percieved daggers were thrown the better I got at deflecting them and even laughing at them. When I can look at what feels like a threatening situation with amusement it detaches its ability to weigh me down. When things look threatening I go within and remind myself that I choose to be true to my authentic self regardless of what behavior other people are offering. I choose to stand strong in my own energy and not give my power away to others who would spike it so they could tap into it.
Anger is a habit for most of our culture, it fuels the dramas that people choose to play in. Once again the words of the Buddha ring true, “You won’t be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger!” I’ve decided that I’ve been punished enough, the price is too high for me to be willing to pay it any longer. The “miracles” that present themselves are such treasures by comparison. It really isn’t a miracle when you choose love over anger, the results just feel like it is.
If you are finding yourself in anger every time you turn around its time to come to the understanding that it is a choice you have made and its not that there is anything wrong with that but if it isn’t what you want to play in, you can rechoose. The price of lying to ourselves and thinking that the anger is in charge of us instead of the other way around is high indeed. If you want to experience your own full power, choose to abstain from anger especially when you feel most inspired to it. If you can find a place of understanding and even gratitude in your heart for someone bringing you this opportunity to rechoose then you will discover the price you’ve been paying all along. Quite an enlightening process and highly recommended.