As I write, this evening, some basic truths are undeniable. I’m tired. Physically, but also mentally. It’s one of those moments I find when it’s easier to hear your own voice because the chatter goes to sleep for a while.
That voice is back in my head saying I want to travel. It comes up every so often these days, saying I should turn in the towel on my entire life and keep moving. Tonight I decided to listen and see why it hangs about, what triggers it, what longing does it express?
On the surface I often justify it by saying that I find my growth in one place is asymptotic – it starts off quickly and then starts to “max out”. The first thing that strikes me writing that down is how incredibly arrogant (and limiting!) it is to think that growth can “max out”. Would that mean that the fact that I move regularly means that I am able to grow infinitely more than someone who stays put forever?
In some ways I have more tools, more exposure, more diverse challenges than those who stay put. In other ways I have fewer. For instance, I never run into people who remind me of wounds from 10-15 years ago. The best way I know how to cope with my past is to cover it with a bit of sand until it’s just out of view, and then run halfway around the world, where it can’t get me. The best way I know how to change my definition is to show up somewhere new and act like that’s always been my definition. Redefining myself to people I have known for a while is new to me, it scares me, and yes, the instinct to run away is there, big time.
I noticed something else, too. When I imagine leaving, I always conjure up the looks of my friends when I tell them I’m going, and particularly what the last thing I’ll say to them will be. I come up with speeches and soliloquies about how wherever the wind takes me, there will be a door open for them. I imagine telling them how special they are, how much they’ve touched my life, how much I love them.
To summarise, part of the reason I want to leave is because it provides me with an opportunity to tell my friends I love them – without it seeming weird.
Hmm. . .
Maybe the next step towards growth is to start brainstorming ways that I can tell my friends how much I love them without having to leave?
…the voice is still there though. As of midnight, I still want to leave. Maybe the alternative is too scary. We will see what happens next.
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Sadie Fulton is a 23-year-old with a massive vision for the world and a million different avenues she pursues to help get it there. She grew up traveling and has developed into a full-time activist, full-time lover of humanity, part-time musician, and she is now training to be a life coach. Above all, she wants to reach people and bring on a new era of love. If you want to share with her, get her perspective on something you are going through, or anything else at all, send her an email at sadie.fulton *at* gmail.com.