The days of heartbeat (2)


The three residents in every woman

Part 2 (to understand you need to read part 1 first)

Part 1

My prayer to the man I loved, to be kind and to catch my frightened heart before it fell down on the ground to die, had turned out to be a useless cry in the dark. The confrontation with the fact that he will not be taking care of my little girl was hard and the wounds from childhood opened up once again … I had to take the next step, I had to take the responsibility for the pain inside at last …

Surviving heart

So you didn’t reach out to catch me…

Did you know? Did you see me falling? Did you feel my fear?
Is this a secret I am not supposed to know or just an act of absence?

You often remind me of an angel. The one that was hanging on the wall of my childhood bedroom, looking at me, with his healing hands wide open, watching my mother beat me up, night after night, year after year.
And every evening I folded my little hands in a prayer to him, a prayer she told me.

“Angel of God, my guardian.
Always stand by me
In the morning,in the evening, by day and by night
Always be there to help me.
Protect me from all evil
And guide me to eternal life.
Amen”

I wonder now, is this what angels do: watch little children suffer, with their hands wide open in a healing position?

I guess he must have kept her from killing me. I guess he gave me the power to survive.  I guess it must have been him who kept my heart warm, loving and open all my life.
I never stopped believing in his love and presence, even when I am a little angry with him sometimes now, I wasn’t then.
It must have been hard for him to just stand by and watch it all happen.
It doesn’t seem to be easy to be an angel sometimes.

Then and now, I did survive.
I am sitting on the ground, holding my heart in my own hands now.
I guess I’ll give it some healing., to the woman and the child.
I will make some decisions and send an order to the universe to give them something nice.
It has to be over by now, no more dying.

As to attachments, this was a major one: The idea that angels help us the way we want…
They don’t, not even for little, hurt children…
They only do what they have to do.
When I practice to be one, I understand…

As for you, my angel, thank you for hanging on my bedroom wall, then and now…
Maybe you’ll step down now, to walk with me for a while?
I want you different now my love…
I (still) do.

To be continued in a few days…

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In the past 51 years I walked, ran, crawled… many roads on an ongoing journey to discover the inevitable freedom of the soul,  the joy of being alive, the value of the teacher we call pain, the depth of human wisdom and the meaning of human madness. I have been deeply touched by the kindness in the eyes, hearts, words and helping hands of friends, teachers, soulmates, … even strangers. I have been all of that and all of them. The most valuable lesson I have ever learned is that ‘there’s nothing to fear’.  For the next 51 years I am committed to share this awareness in everything I do. It’s a joy to share this blog with sisters so close to my soul and touching your life with my words fills me with deep gratitude. May these words carry the love from my heart to yours. Loesja Klimczak

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About Loesja Klimczak - www.mayanatlantyda.org

In the past 53 years I walked, ran, crawled… many roads on an ongoing journey to discover the inevitable freedom of the soul, the joy of being alive, the value of the teacher we call pain, the depth of human wisdom and the meaning of human madness. I have been deeply touched by the kindness in the eyes, hearts, words and helping hands of friends, teachers, soulmates, … even strangers. I have been all of that and all of them. The most valuable lesson I have ever learned is that ‘there’s nothing to fear’. For the next 50 years I am committed to share this awareness in everything I do. It’s a joy to share this blog with sisters so close to my soul and touching your life with my words fills me with deep gratitude. May these words carry the love from my heart to yours.

16 thoughts on “The days of heartbeat (2)

  1. I didn’t grow up in a similary abusive family, but there was neglect and some emotional abuse going on – when i read this article it actually made me think more of the people in my family who did not stand up for me. I’ve been doing some healing around why the other adults in my family didn’t step in and protect me (and my bro), or stand up for us and say something to the person who was creating harm.
    I think angels keep you going. They’re there when you sleep, giving you peace-time. They give you moments (when you’re not at home) of reprive – whether that’s at school, at a friend’s house etc. Like you wrote, they make sure you don’t die or give up on life.
    I’ve come to accept that in the past, in that situation, for whatever reason people were unable to stand up and call out the wrong-doing, and thank God for angel(s) who kept reminding me that a)what was going on was not right or normal and b) this too shall pass!
    xoxo

    • Really lovely response Sarah. I do agree that angels move in mysterious ways sometimes. Loesja this was so beautifully and sensitively written, such a clear and moving account of your journey through healing, that little girl needs so much love and I can sense your gentleness and and love for her. I also really resonate with the need for a man to catch her heart to look after her, as we know it’s only when we truly love ourselves then the love from the romantic partner can come through. I commend you dear sister. you are amazing and beautiful and very very loved. xxx

      • Dear Ellen, thank you for your love dear sister of my soul…!

    • Dear Sarah, yes, angels keep us going, and we need to listen to their gentle and comforting messages… and surviving heard times gives us also a glimpse of our own inner strenght, and … as we go we learn that there is a heaven and a way home behind every pain… good to know, but even better to experience it first hand. I feel that your words vibrate having lived through the experience… thank you for sharing it here also. Sending you a big warm hug and blessings on your path! xxx

      • Bless you! “as we go we learn that there is a heaven and a way home behind every pain… good to know, but even better to experience it first hand.” your words make me feel grateful for the journey i’ve been on and glad to be able to resonate/support/share with others who have been through difficulties. lots of love xo

  2. Oh my…what response could I share that could do justice to this beautiful work?? Experiences are necessary in life for the purpose of becoming the person we chose to be when we, as souls, decided to inhabit a body. It is the sharing of those experiences that are sometimes the most difficult part, almost as if sharing them would make them even more real than they already were. I honor your bravery and applaud your growth, dear sister ❤

    • Dear Laura, sharing experiences make them even more valuable to me… I strongly feel that each and every challenge in life is an opportunity to change global consiousness starting with ‘me’. Indeed not always easy… but the only way out leads straight throug it! Thank you for your kind expressions of appreciation… your words carry the frangrance of beautiful flowers! ❤

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  4. Do we need angles to comfort and for healing all the times? .. I believe this is the idea of FAITH. Believing God is always watching us… and He is there for us as long as we are there for ourselves first and trying to reach him .. This is so true .. It might take time to realize that, but when it happens , It’s a miracle. I agree dear Loesja ..

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