Who do you imagine yourself to be in the presence of your dream lover?
What characteristics does (s)he bring out in you? What about your exes – what did you like about yourself during your golden days with each of them?
“I like how alive he makes me feel.”
“I like how she admires the work I do.”
“He brought out my creativity.”
etc, etc. Tidbits like these are invaluable to helping make your own life as rich as possible. They are little clues, arrows pointing in the direction of the person you want to be.
The more you can zoom in on those arrows, the more effective the clues will be – but don’t fall into the catch-22. He makes you feel alive. Why? Because I am happier when he’s around. Why? Because… he’s around?
Okay, what does he do when he’s around that makes you feel alive?
He laughs at my jokes. I feel funnier when he’s around. This is something we can work with. Are you funnier or just more confident when sharing your jokes? Is it that you feel safe?
This takes practice and may not yield fruit the first time you look into it, but it may, too.
I like how she admires the work I do. Okay, why? Because I like being admired. Why? Because it shows me that my work is valuable.
The person in this last example now has a clue that (s)he might undervalue his/her own work and is relying on someone else to value it for him/her, or to admire him/her. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be admired – it’s a good thing to know about yourself. There are a few options here – the person doing the self-analysis could potentially delve deeper into the aspects of the work that make them feel worthy of admiration, or step back and look into why they value admiration so highly, or check out whether they can come up with a way to value their own work more highly, or see whether they feel their work is unvaluable and perhaps need to change work to something that fulfils them more deeply. They’ll find this out for themselves once they zoom in on that little arrow pointing at the needs that the relationship fulfilled – or that the dream relationship is dreamed to fulfil.
From my side, I couldn’t stop thinking of images related to nature when I did this exercise. Why does my dream man love me? Because I have a deep, heartfelt laugh, a bright smile and totally wild eyes and hair. We go up mountains, wrap ourselves up in each other and roll down the hill, in the pouring rain.
But, I live in a city and don’t visit nature as much as my dream would dictate. I don’t look for excuses to laugh as often as I could. I tie my hair up and subdue the wildness in my eyes. And I tend to avoid the rain.
These are all things I’m going to want to look into. Yes, they will help attract the man of my dreams, as I will more closely match the image of my dream man’s dream woman (who is, of course, just my best version of myself, because if my dream man’s dream woman isn’t me, then he isn’t my dream man… did you follow that?). They will also help me come alive. The arrows of who I want to be, what aspects of my being I want someone to coax out of me, point me back home to who I am in my purest form and offer me the chance to coax that being out of myself.
What about you? Give this exercise a try, and comment below – I’d love to see what you come up with.