Those of you who have been following my blogs will have read the various posts by my love and I, and how grateful we are to have found one another and how much we love each other, such joy!
“You know what I see in you? Not only the weakened, but also the healed. Not only the old, but also the new. Enter with me into a dazzling present, to be with me, who we have never allowed ourselves to be before.”
Marianne Williamson, from Enchanted Love. P.1o1
We are both renewed by this love, and having been in previous relationships, which ended badly, we are conscious of avoiding old patterns and not allowing old wounds and sensitivities, or potentially sabotaging behaviour to enter into this new and precious relationship. We believe that any conflict, argument or disagreement is something that is rising to the surface to be healed. We are learning to come back to one another with even more love and even more forgiveness and even more acceptance, after any kind of disagreement. While disagreements may be inevitable, we are looking at ways to dissipate, or steer clear of them, for example –
- Inspired by Mastin Kipp, the founder of The Daily Love (http://thedailylove.com/), we have developed a word intended to let the other person know they are on dodgy ground, or they are heading in a direction that is raising red flags – it’s intended as a code word, one that means, whoa! Easy does it, this is very sensitive for me, or, I am not liking where this is going. This sends a very clear signal to the other person to take a breath, to step back, to re-group. I will not tell you our exact word, but it’s good if it’s something random and silly to break the atmosphere as well, like, ‘tomato’ for example.
- Another practice we have is to honestly and defencelessly take a look at previous conflicts and discuss together how they escalated. To take real hard look at what was said and by whom, and to take personal responsibility for where it went. To say I’m sorry is one of the most profound ways to take ownership of your own behaviour. I’m not talking about constantly apologising for repeated bad behaviour, but apologising and forgiving seem like key elements in a solid relationship. – I have heard that a good marriage is made up of two really good forgivers and that makes a lot of sense to me.
- We have also compiled a list of ‘trigger points’. These are areas we know are likely to cause sensitivity and potential conflict or possible disagreement, such as money or parenting. If we are aware from the beginning that we have certain trigger points like this it means we are extra careful and generous with each other when we are discussing these topics.
- Being in service is another crucial component. If we can try to always ask, what can I bring to you, how can I make you happy, how can I bring you joy, how can I give more? Well, it can only be good news, if we are both on the same page with wanting to give to the other rather than to get something, sounds like a nice arrangement.
- And importantly we try not to hold on to any grievances,, as it states in ACIM – A Course in Miracles – ‘Love holds no grievances’. The only reason to bring up any past dispute or grievance is to learn from it, to grow from it.
- It may seem obvious but – Don’t sweat the small stuff if at all possible, let it go. Do not make mountains out of mole hills. There are enough mountains let’s face it.
Just a small insight into some of the things I am learning from being in this wonderful relationship. Erkhart Tolle has said the only reason two people should be in a romantic relationship is to grow and learn. And it is in this spirit we can flourish together, and also all the time, making time to keep having the best fun EVER.
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Dr. Ellen Anne Burns is an actress, writer, mother, teacher, and student, not necessarily in that order. She was brought up in Belfast, Northern Ireland. She is a Doctor of Applied Theatre. She believes in a holistic spiritual practice, involving meditation, self love and discovery, learning and practicing forgiveness, gratitude and love every day. Ellen wishes to support and guide others on their own journey of self and love. She is a mentor on Gabrielle Bernstein’s-HerFuture.com and is thrilled to be one of the founding members of The Daily Sisterhood Blog. If you wish to contact Ellen please message her here, and she will respond as soon as she can.