to read part 1 select ‘Part 1’
to read part 2 select ‘Part 2’
Coming home to Love
I discovered that I had not only a mind and a heart, .. I also had a will, and I wanted so very much,… I wanted to get out of here,… I wanted to go on and not back. I didn’t allow my mind to entangle me again, I didn’t allow it to deceive me anymore, my mind was not telling me everything I had to do anymore.
I learned how to feel… instead of thinking, over and over again, … what do you feel, no, not what do you think, what do you feel! Out of that head, up on the way to the heart.
In my heart I met love, or better … Love. Moving… beautiful… soft.
Peace at last, … at last I knew why I did all of this, at last I got to see a little piece of the reward.
But there was not only Love down there. Love had also a neighbour on top of it,… close to Love lived fear, … the fear of dying… the fear of living, … the fear that I would find myself, … be myself… the fear not to find myself, … never to find myself, … the fear that no one would love me… the fear that someone would love me… The one and only, true, fear!
I was scared of the fear. So scared that I forgot Love.
Fortunately there was still the will, … without the will I would have had drowned in my fear, … escaped to my mind,… but the will to go on, the will to get out of here drove me back in the arms of Love, … again I discovered Love, … again, … and again, … over and over again. I forgot about her again,… and found her again, … again all the time, until I knew her, I knew her and I recognised her, … even in the dark… in the darkness of the fear I recognised the little spark of Love that was always there, … that never left… only became forgotten every now and then.
I learned that I could choose, I could choose between my mind and my heart, and I could choose between Love and fear. What a choice… of course I would choose for my heart, … of course I chose for Love…
Sometimes choosing was difficult, sometimes I was too tired and I forgot that I could choose, sometimes I wasn’t watching for a second and fear took over fast… so fast, or the mind went shouting… so hard… the silent language of Love could not overrule it then…and I got lost again.
But I didn’t forget all every time, … no, I was still learning… indeed I was learning to feel, and I could already do it a little!
Who is actually talking, the mind, … the heart… fear… Love… I learned how to silence my mind, I learned not to be scared of my fear, I learned to listen to the silent voice of the heart. I learned to kindle that little spark of Love and let it grow, so it never went away, … I would never forget it anymore.
I learned to bring my head to peace, and my body, … I learned to breathe and to give my heart enough space to move, to let it’s voice be heard. I learned to do nothing when I felt that my mind was talking, I learned to wait until the fear was silent again, … I learned to be peaceful and to breathe… to give space to my heart… space to Love.
I felt a little bit ME, … sometimes, … for a while, … at least.
I felt the strength, … felt the fire, … the warmth. I felt the Love in me, flowing through me, no, raging through me. It flowed out of me, out of all sides of me, to all sides, out of my hands and my eyes, out of all my pores…
I now also felt the Love around me, surrounding me… I recognised her in the people around me, in the world around me… Everywhere I felt and recognised Love, my eyes were watching with Love… and saw Love, my ears were listening with Love… and heard Love, my skin was Love… and felt Love,…
My heart radiated and rejoiced… yes, that’s what I was doing it all for!
But it was yet only for a while. The heart felt it the first, … the mind refused to cooperate once again, … who do you think you are, that’s not you, what are you trying to make up for yourself again, what kind of game are you playing again, … no, the mind was not cooperating once more.
Others saw it and pointed it out to me, people around me, that special friend who always kept believing in me, … even a few big names saw it… the light inside of me, my strength, … my essence, my being… I didn’t dare to believe them, would it really be that way, … weren’t they mistaken, … or perhaps were they gullible in the game the devil was playing with me, … disbelief, distrust, … again the mind talking!
But from now on I outsmarted my mind, … remember, … I knew how to go to my heart and how to silence my mind, I was able to breathe anyhow and to become peaceful, I could give my heart the space, … the mind did make an effort every now and then, … convulsively tenacious, eager to fight and slamming all around the mind tried to become lord and master again, … lord and master in my house, … the mind wasn’t able to quit that fast, the mind could not and wanted not to surrender it’s power to the heart, at least not in a nice way, it should and it would fight, but at last, … powerless watching, the mind saw itself forced to surrender, … surrender to the heart, … surrender to Love.
They took over, … the heart, Love, … progressively they got the power into their hands and they were able to step forward, without having to have a long struggle again, without having to fight… The heart, Love at last could show their real power… and did that, without grudges towards the mind! The mind was not killed, switched off or banned… The mind was allowed to stay and the forces of the mind were applied when needed, without getting their power back, … but out of the connection with the hart, with Love… the struggle was over…
Now the heart has space, … the mind waits until it’s needed and switched on, … I learned to gel, and my will already also had some opportunity to work out.
What a change, what a difference. It brings peace, … peace inside of me, balance inside of me.
But it’s more than that, … I feel the strength in me, … I feel life inside of me. Not the strength of before, not the life of before, … not that from four years ago. No, that new strength, without all those retained and limiting thoughts and patterns, without feelings that are only pushed away and denied, but with space for my real ME, space for the ME that I have always been.
My lifeforce that has been stuck all that time, can flow again and give me life again. My thoughts are not only limiting anymore, my feelings can be felt and shown, my desires and wishes may be there. They now form the ME that I have always been, but never knew.
I am here, I AM…
The disbelief, is this me,… and the distrust, this can not be, … become more and more little.
The disbelief becomes believing and from there KNOWING, the distrust becomes trust and from there BEING.
This all goes on in a peaceful pace, with falling and getting up again, but less and less falling, … with peaks and troughs, but the troughs become less and less deep,… also now I take a big leap sometimes.
Sometimes I feel the fear again, the loneliness, just for a moment… I recognise them, I acknowledge them, I give them space, I breathe and give them what they need… I give them space, … I give them Love, … I give them… I AM…
I feel myself opening up even more and more, this openness and connectedness will become the basis of my new ME.
I experience the openness, I am no more only that what everybody sees, I am the whole world and the whole world is in me.
I experience peace, the peace inside of me, … the peace around me, … I am peace!
I experience the power and the life in me, … around me,… I am the power, I am life!
I experience the Love inside of me,… I am Love!
I am ME… entirely.. and only… ME.
I can live again, I dare to live again… I live!Almost four years ago, on the 17th February 2001, suddenly I became very tired.
Now, December 2004, I suddenly ain’t tired anymore.