“If you have only one smile in you, give it to the people you love. Don’t be surly at home, then go out in the street and start grinning ‘Good morning’ at total strangers.”
At the age of 38, a mother of two children, having lived alone and parented alone, (more or less), for the past 15 years, I find myself living with my parents again. I am in transition between one life and another, and I am grateful to them for welcoming me and their beloved grandsons into their home. We have taken over two rooms in their apartment, we have brought our cat, our clothes, our shoes, toys, and a lot more besides.
My mother has nurtured total communication with me and my brother all through our growing up years. This is very important and I try to emulate it with my own children. As a result of her wonderful communication I rarely keep any problems or worries to myself ….But as an adult I find it means I offload to her frequently about anything and everything negative in my life – often it’s money problems – she adopts a sympathetic and defeated face, shaking her head – that’s awful, I know, I know, offers solutions at times. Even as I am complaining about it, I know the conversation is hugely dis-empowering and negative for both of us…
Often she tells me off, very gently, for bad behaviour. She has called me belligerent, demanding…
I storm into the kitchen and sigh, huff puff and am pretty much furious if things are not to my liking…why is there no brown bread when I specifically requested it be purchased?? (what age am I again?)
As a grown woman with 2 boys to look after I do my share of the shopping and the cleaning and cooking, but I am amazed and shocked at how I still expect my parents to sort everything out in their home.
I have a deep seated annoyance I think – they messed up again. My childhood was spent moving house and witnessing severe money worries and health worries and rows and arguments – it was also saturated in warmth, acceptance, deep love, humour, folk music, classical music, poetry, culture, conversation and adventure and I was always instilled with self belief and a sense of anything is possible. My adult relationship with myself and my parents has been an attempt to reconcile these conflicting influences and beliefs…
Finding myself in their home again after many years, is bringing a lot to the surface to be healed. I am amazed by my behaviour sometimes. It’s like my spirit, the loving, forgiving, accepting and enlightened adult, floats to the ceiling and watches as little devil teenager takes its place
The shadow me, the spoilt, angry, resentful daughter. Why have you let me down again? Can’t you do anything right? Ugh. I am appalled at myself.
The take away is this – I need to look more to how I can help them. I need to be of service. I need to be in love and acceptance and I need to count to 10 before I react or get angry – or even share – my mother really does not need to know every single money worry and petty annoyance – this conversation is only feeding an evil beast.
Who I am being at these moments is a throw back to someone I no longer resonate with, a vibration I no longer want to associate with, as one of my soul sisters pointed out to me recently, sometimes, when we are cleaning up, a lot of dust rises….I want to learn these lessons.
God give me the strength to break out of these chains and be someone who is nurturing my highest good and the good of those around me.
My ACIM* lesson for today is thus:
“The light of the world brings peace to every mind through my forgiveness. I am the means God appointed for the salvation of the world.”
There is no point in praying and meditating and writing beautiful blogs full of loving kindness if I am being a brat in the home.
So I am outing myself and my ego here.
I love myself. I forgive myself and I am willing to change.
“Those of you who are hard on yourselves about your blocks or resistances, that is a little like kicking yourself when you are meters from the finish line of a great race. It is like saying, “I did not do well enough” without seeing that the very fact you are identifying something that has held you back is an extraordinary achievement.” ~~Ziadora through Lee, from The Mastery of Sleep –http://www.leeharrisenergy.com/index.html
*A Course In Miracles
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Dr. Ellen Anne Burns is an actress, writer, mother, teacher, and student, not necessarily in that order. She was brought up in Belfast, Northern Ireland, where she has just completed her PhD in Applied Drama. She believes in a holistic spiritual practice, involving meditation, self love and discovery, learning and practicing forgiveness, gratitude and love every day. Ellen wishes to support and guide others on their own journey of self and love, especially with a view to romantic relationships. She is a mentor on Gabrielle Bernstein’s-HerFuture.com and is thrilled to be one of the founding members of The Daily Sisterhood Blog. If you wish to contact Ellen please message her here, and she will respond as soon as she can.